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I'm creating this blog as an outlet for myself. Who knows where it will lead, but I'm just needing a place to vent; perhaps mostly sorrow and anger, but maybe joy that I can't share elsewhere.

I sometimes feel I lead a double life. I think I'm a fairly nice person, but I found myself, through God's direction, in the role of the "evil social worker" (hence the name of the blog :). I do admit sometimes I find it really funny when people ask what I do for work and when I reply they get this look on their face. Funny how when that happens the subject changes pretty fast! Every once and awhile when people ask what I do for a living I reply "steal children." Probably not a good idea, but it makes me laugh inside to see their faces. Several clients have told me thats what I do so I guess its not totally inaccurate. I'm actually not a CPS worker so I don't do that many removals, thank God! But I'm intimately connected to the process so I think its an ok answer when I need a laugh.

Speaking of that when people ask where I work I often reply with the location of my office which I know is not what they are asking but is easier then saying it. In my state I'm referred to as a permanency worker which means both in home and out of home cases. Mostly right now I have out of home (ie foster care). I actually prefer those to in-home but can comment on that someother time. I've been hired on for a little over 3 years which is practically forever in my field. Its sad but I've been on just about the longest in my group. I'm worried too because this past couple of months or so I've been feeling the effects of burnout (actually if I'm honest since about October 08). Everyone goes through that, and I've felt it before but I usually get out of it after a couple of weeks or months. I always told myself that if I got to the point where I wasn't effective I would find a new job. I feel very strongly about doing this job "right" which to me means caring enough to do the hard things. I'm stuggling right now to find the energy to do that and the caring is dulling. Just typing that is allowing me to cry a bit right now. I'm not much of a cryer, so perhaps this blog will help get me out of my pitty party. Thats part of the problem because I feel soooo stupid pitying myself when those I work with have it sooooo much worse. My life is a blessing and I forget and feel bad for myself. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I know.

I'm going to be really careful so as not to give info that could comprimise my anonimity, the confidentiality of the families I work with, etc. However, those who know me can probably recognize my "voice" and I'm not sure I'm clever enough, nor have enough energy to do it different. So if you think you know me please please still try and keep things on the "down low"


ps. I'm a horrible speller and don't have the patience for spell check so if anyone reads this just know that its one of my MANY shortcomings but not one that I'm particularly worried about :)